流星花园2018

每个少女心中都希望遇到自己的‘道明寺’

Telegram

Last seen within a month
15/2 - late afternoon
14/2 - lunch time
11/2 - 10:05 (screw up in FB)

Could not recall earlier or Jan.

To block or not to block

wolfpack is telling me to block E on all platforms. FB, WhatsApp, Telegram, everything. Avoidance. Lead your own life. I’m not ready to do it now. The repercussion of my overdrive into overthinking, I’ll resort to more silly antics. When I’m ready to let go, I won’t be checking on him and there is no force upon the need to block.

Reducing my time on FB and Tele so I don’t check on E

I know I should stop looking up at E on FB and Telegram. It is only stupid of me to think that there might be a tiny weeny chance that he’s checking on me. 

Coincidentally, my travels fall on 21st Mar, 2 months after his birthday. I wanted to enjoy my vacation and planned to block him on Telegram. I’ve yet decided if that shall remains permanent or lifted once I’m back. I don’t know if I’ll regret, god will tell me I shouldn’t. 

Precursors, he may declare his relationship with KF on her birthday or after. We’ll know when he changes his relationship status or posts their photos. I may have to cut myself loose then despite how reluctant I am. 

你不肯给我的温馨慰问

你把我一直想要的爱和温柔都给了别的女生。

Good morning. Good night. Have you eaten. Are you home.

这些都是以前我要讲你，念你，求你，你才勉强会说的。但现在你却不吝啬的每天对她说。

我，好失败啊。

1 month no talking

It has been 1 month since I last spoke to or heard from E.

I guess it will only get easier with time.

I don’t know if he removed C.Jr or the other way round in FB. They may have started talking, since she’ll wish him happy birthday yearly. I may be the next one. I’m merely another ex who is just as toxic (if not more) and not worth mentioning.

*
I’m sorry C. I had to do this. I don’t wish to lead you on thinking we can be together again. I have wasted enough of your time. You ought to find your true happiness, and I know I can’t give you anything.

https://www.relrules.com/love-her-or-leave-her-dont-lead-her-on/

Was in a relationship 17 feb 2018

17 feb CHL in a relationship with EL. It was never reflected on his page.

A year ago, a year now.

The next girl is going to end up just like me, in a year’s time.

I could see he added new friend on fb, his public likes on fb, but I’m uncertain if I’m on his restricted list.

I could see he was on Telegram on V day and the day after. For work, other chats, I don’t know.

I could only keep myself busy so I don’t think of him as much.

*
I was told to stop losing weight. My face is getting smaller, and it shouldn’t go any smaller. If only we can choose the parts to shed the fats.

Articles to read to move on after a breakup

Turn to thoughtcatalogue, relationship rules, page by Jay Shetty for some good reads.

Going 56kg

Lunar 13th. 2 more days to end of CNY. Boy, time passed so slowly. I’m doing ok. I do think of E from time to time, wondering if he’d think of me too. I’ll quickly brush away that thought and tell myself it’s not happening; he’s all happy now and it is best to maintain the equilibrium; how callous he was to walk out on me and ready embrace another.

Muay Thai keeps me occupied, so my thoughts don’t wonder too far off. It burns calories crazy, and my weight has been stable at 57kg for 2 weeks, despite the once/twice weekly pigging out with friends/family during the festivity (the Korean bbq with Wagyu and Souju with Syn was good!)

It went dipping into 56kg at the later part of the week. I’m excited to see how the numbers goes when I hit the class 3 times the coming week. My shoulder and arm muscles were so sore after 2 sessions but strangely the tight knots loosen up after I went for my run. My condition on that day was good, and I pushed myself to do 6km. It was surprisingly ‘doable’, especially on a night after Muay Thai.

Building muscles are imperative maintaining the fast calories burning rate, even when one is at rest. I’ll need protein, and looking through the list, I’d go for salmon, avocado, green vegetables. But lean not muscularly big, requires a great deal of balance. Abs by end of March was a target I set after I signed up for Muay Thai. I’ll miss 2 weeks of classes with the upcoming travels (and good food, WAGYU WAGYU, Takoballs), perhaps end Apr is a more realistic goal.

My colleagues and GE agent were telling me that I look ok, or good enough, that I should go easy or stop losing weight. I was hoping for 52kg, about 4-5kg more to shed and I’ll go into maintenance mode. I know I looked malnutrition, or skeletony once I go under 50kg.

It certainly feels good to fit in those ‘dream’ pants, shorts, dresses, shirt, once again. I’ll just have to keep it up. I’ll constantly remind myself that anyone who is capable of loving me, is myself. Never  allow another to treat me as though I don’t matter.

Bogus pilot #dream

I dreamt that Jing and I were going Vietnam. We booked the tickets with Airasia and it turned out as a third party company which pilots were taught by experience, not officially trained and the flight is not approved. The fleet had issues going into the skies and at country borders, we met with armies trying to shoot us down. And halfway through, we noticed Jackson and his gf were on the same flight. We finally landed (becos of the shooting), but our belongings were in mess. I lost my passport and went to the airport office to report lost. Then, I woke up.

#dream

14 FEB S.A.D Singles’ Awareness Day

My Singleton Valentines’ since 10 years ago.

I’m using the money I’ve saved up from date nights to pamper myself. Solo Japan trip, facials, Jaybird Tarah Pro (NU Force gave up on me, a month from the end of its warranty, and they did an exchange from a new set, which I’m selling off on Carousell).

I have to love myself, because no one else would.

I’m having lesser emotional outbursts. When it happens, I’ll walk myself to somewhere secluded and let myself cry out loud. Other times I’m feeling a combination of sour/sore/sorry/helpless when I think I’m all alone and he’s moving on happy with another.

Had a walk at MacRitchie during lunch time. The treetop walk and forest trial easily takes 1-4hours. I can only afford the time to walk around part of parameters of the Reservoir. A simple date between my waterbottle and me.

Evening spent getting my ass kicked at Muay Thai. The recoil hit the senior’s nose bridge and I felt so sorry. It was an intense session, jab, cross, hook, hook, upper cut, upper cut, shuffle back, South Pole, left kick, right jab (and step right), left leg hook, left kick (land near opponent), right vertical elbow. Clam bicep-tricep, step left, sweep right foot - using centrifugal to topple opponent to right and give  knee; left elbow, right elbow.

The skin at the base of my left big top peeled, ouch.

I feel sorry for myself. Being single and lonely while the whole world is lovey dovey, receiving roses. Coach Pal said, ‘don’t celebrate Valentines’ day just because the calendar says so’. It does makes sense lighten up things a bit.

*
From the past, I’d have no issues sleeping when I’m traveling because I packed my itinerary full. I hope after Japan in Apr, I’ll be able to sleep well without any aids. Fingers crossed I can wean myself off Fedac and Melatonin. I could do blood donation then.

My fear. Not knowing can be a blessing.

A few nights ago, I dreamt E died. I woke up in dried tears.

*
No more tracking. I’m fearful to know actually, I would rather turn 2 blind eyes to. My heart aches if I were to know he’s spending the night at AMK, St Micheal’s or Nassim Park Residences. My mind will be in a whirl and turmoil. He could be overseas too, Kulai (smoking weeds) or trip with El the boys and Pisces (he mentioned Feb, Mar when I last saw him in Jan).

I know it is almost a tradition that he’d meet up with his Secondary classmates over CNY. The leader of the pack, Jacob, is our common friend. I was with them for dinner last year. This year, I don’t see him in the photos. Was he there, but not in photos, or he came/left before the photos, or skipped the gathering because he’s traveling or not feel like going/having other dates. Whichever it is, I’ll not get to know.

It has been awfully hard to let go. We had been through so much. Things and places which connects us, reminds me of him. I was in tenterhooks when my family and I were at Compass One, Waterway. ‘How should I react when I see him and Pisces or another?’

I was telling myself, I can do this. I’ll show C that I can let E go, the very same way he can let me go, no matter how deep or unwavering our love is to the undeserving one.

Orh Chay

Noticed orh chay on my right arm and left pelvic. Partnered with a young Indian lady from trial and I hurt myself with the recoil power from the foam board. I’ve probably scare her off, it’s unfair to pair her with someone with experience after all, but I’m the only girl in the group, so she didn’t had much choices. My right bicep is strained and I can’t lift my arm up. ‘Muscle, muscle coming’ I told myself. The aches usually clear in a few days’ time, while the bruises takes close to 2 weeks to heal.

2 feasts on a Sunday. Lunch for my dad’s birthday and dinner with Wolfpack. I gained 1kg right after lunch and my tummy bulged. This prompted an emergency. I’ll melt and burn myself if I run in the afternoon under the blazing sun. So I went to the ActiveSG gym (Silvercare, for elderly) near my house. 3 threadmills, weights stations, static machines, showers, I’d say about close to 3/4 of what Anytime Fitness has. Did 3km on threadmill and a few static stations. Didn’t sweat out as much as my regular runs or Muay Thai session, but as a good backup in case I can’t do any others.

*
I ought to plan my travels earlier, in Jan for Mar-Apr but I really weren’t in the mood to. I was so depressed that even the thoughts of traveling failed to excite me. Now I have about 1 month to plan the itineraries, the stays, the transport for a solo trip. A big challenge, tsk tsk.

Muay Thai

It had been 1 month since I last saw E.

You can’t reciprocate love, nor have it reciprocated. If you love someone, and the person loves you, you are lucky. If you love someone the same way as he loves you back, you’re blessed.

I am unlucky, in this instance. The one I loved, love another.

*
I have a nickname for a guy in Muay Thai class. Marshmallow. He wears a frown, pocketed face, has a soft belly, and throws soft punches. He came for trial after my mine but was turned down because he came late and didn’t register for the session (the requirement of signing up for trial 2 working days before). And since both of us started classes about the same time, we are about the same level, and often grouped together as newbies. I always pray I don’t get to partner with him because he is slow in catching the instructions, drags my pace down and he’s a leftie, meaning the jabs and shots he throw will be the opposite of mine and it takes some mental note to block appropriately.

I paired with a senior, Alicia, and I’m so sorry to drag her pace. She could have done more, complicated moves but she has to scale down for my level. She’s being encouraging and kind by not blaming me but I’m guilty as charged.

I can only hope to progress faster by going twice or thrice a week. Let’s push it!

Closure of E&L joint account

7 Feb, it has been 6 months since the joint account for E and I were opened. I had closed the account today. It is regretful that we couldn’t hold on the relationship to pass the 6 months mark. Service fee of $5 was charged at the end of last month because they have revised the minimum balance to be maintained at $1000, instead of $500.

I have kept his belongings, the things he’d given me, or what we used to share, items which evokes memories of him in a cabinet. Except for the shoes. Someday, I’d walk out of his shadows and be brave enough either discard or return the items to him.

I am trying my best not to track him anymore. It was only once last week and I think I did well. I don’t have to know how he is doing. There’s a quote, ‘when you throw your trash out, you don’t go out to see how your trash is doing. Stop stalking your ex.’ It is almost certain he knows how to and be able to take care of himself.

Bench hoggers, F off!

Did my run in the park.

A couple was chatting on the sit-up bench, not utilizing the facility. I did my 4km, which took 40mins and they were still there, shamelessly. I was telling myself if the other station is occupied, I’ll yell at them for hogging.

Well, I get the other available one. While I was doing my sit-ups, I noticed a young lady stealing some glances at me while doing some light stretching at the side. I stood up and asked if she’s waiting to use the station. She nodded shyly. I blasted at the couple, ‘are you guys using the station? There’s a girl waiting to use. And there are at least 6 benches out there, so if you guys don’t mind, please move!’

Recounting the happier days

I was tracking back how long before E came into my mind. The happier days I were, without him.

It started when I was planning for my US trip, Nov 2015. It dawn to me randomly, I could try asking people if he/she/they want to come along. I asked E. He turned me down because its really expensive and I asked him just 2-3 months before the trip. I bought some gifts back for him as birthday present since it'll be his birthday 2 months after I returned. The casual chatting went on when I was back. I mailed his present to him and so did he, to return the gesture. We continued chatting on Whatsapp and met up near CNY 2016, for him to pass me the pineapple tarts he got for me from his mom. We talked about the past, reminiscing the good'o days when we were dating in Secondary school, the mistakes he made when we were together in my Poly days. He regretted that he did not try to resolve the problem of communicating with me which led to our separation. And after going through a few relationships, he understands what he wants.

We would meet up once or twice a month to talk. It wasn't made known that he was attached. He is charismatic and I enjoyed talking to him. He'd always know how to make me laugh. I talked about the struggles I had with the relationship with C and he was analyzing with me to stay or move on. It was the same situation where I had to choose between one who can make me laugh or one who can bring me bread and butter. I gave up JJ, the eligible husband-material bf and losing my bestie HJ alongside because I failed to manage the relationship properly.

Moving 3 months on, we were chatting almost on a daily basis and he suggested to bring the platform to Telegram where you can lock the conversations. It was the trip to Australia in Apr 2016, it became obvious to me that I think of him all the time and it was not fair to C. The question I always had in mind was, why wouldn't E reply on Sundays? He said it is a housekeeping day, where he does his chores and unable to reply. It was until I said to give him up because of his inconsistency that he came clean to me that weekends are for his girlfriend and it wasn't convenient for him to reply. I was in absolute shock. I told him the options,
1. we should stop what we are doing and go back to our respective bf/gf, because they did nothing wrong to deserve this.
2. to breakup with our gf/bf and be together officially.
both of us couldn't do either so we dragged things on. Jealousy in a woman can never be under-estimated - I turned green on weekends when he did not reply me. He knew he had to choose one and he broke up with JT sometime in Jul 2016.

E and I went to TW in Sept 2016, our first trip together. We had lots of fights due to our different expectations of a holiday. He wanted more laid-back and enjoyable, while I wanted to see more things to utilize the time whilst abroad.

There were times in between, either one or both of us wanted to give up. We said nasty things, had cold wars. The final straw came Valentine's day 2017, we had a big fight because I could not give him any status. He was upset that he had given me more than 6 months since he broke up with JT yet I'm still with C. I reasoned that I had to be with C during his difficult time of finding a permanent job, and also I don't want to sour the relationship having in mind the Northern Light trip in Mar-Apr 2017. We did not talked to each other from Feb to Apr. I told myself when I go to him, I should be single and committed to him. Hence, once I got back to Sg on 1st Apr, I broke off with C. It was merciless to cut him off, I didn't know how to handle it but all I know was that I couldn't let E wait anymore.

From Apr - Oct 2017, we quarreled frequently, on boundaries with opposite genders, outings with friends, his cigarette counts, our lifestyles differences - eating with mouth open, etc. His bestie El has planned his wedding in US, Dec 2017 and the trip will be 2 weeks long. I made him to choose either him (to go) or me (to stay). He chose El and we broke up in Oct but I still hung around. During his absence, I go to his place to tidy his room, gave Christmas and congratulatory presents to his sister for her engagement. When he came back in Jan 2019, I had the invite from his sis to the wedding and asked him if I should attend (in just a few day's time), he said I can go, if I wished to. I told him about the complications of me meeting his family etc, and he understood it being a bold move to introduce me as his partner. At the wedding dinner, all was nice and well. It appears that I am the first to be brought and introduced to his family and relatives, and they hope to see me at the CNY visiting in a month's time. Came CNY and house visiting was all good. He was looking at HDB and furnishing and I thought we may be moving on to the next phase. His cousins were affirm that I am the one, because he had never brought any girls to meet the relatives.

Jan - Oct 2018. The cycle of quarreling, making-up went on and things escalated as the month moved nearer to his SCSM event, his busiest time of the year. Days he could barely sleep for 2 hours and off he needs to be at the event. When it was over, I saw the photo of his colleague, the texts from his business partners, and I flew in rage. Because I did not get any attention on the days he got busy while he had time for these. E was livid for the intrusion of privacy and things between us tensed up. We started to talk lesser. He continued to meet his friend, A, whom I am not comfortable with, because he would cab down to her workplace, have dinner with her and send her home. More quarrels and eventually at Nicole's bachlorette's party, he broke up with me. 'There is no good time', I only realized that he knew KF at the party, El and the others were trying to put them together. He is firm that this shall be the last time - we will never get back together.

As much as I wanted to lie to myself that we will be together, seeing the messages back and forth between them, I knew for certain that I am out of the game. He loved her the way I wanted so badly. The person he wanted to spend his birthday is not me. This year, the only gift I could give him is his freedom to pursue the one he love. I withdrawn. It pains me so badly, I'm all in tears writing this.

Over the past 3 years, it had been an emotional hell of roller coaster ride. I had my highs and lows and it became overt that I am struggling with the relationship. I know many heaved a sign of relief for me. But I do not feel joy, I feel sad. 10 years down the road I may be thanking myself for forcing myself through this painful path. I will be well, but certainly not now.

To C, I am forever in debt to. To repay him, I only gift I could give him is the same as E - his freedom to pursue his happiness. Let us all end this.

Eve of CNY piggy

Eve of Lunar New Year. I missed my sleep last night, despite drugged with fedac and melatonin. Spent most of my time thinking of E. Wondering if he goes to Pisces girl reunion dinner and if he brought Pisces girl home for dinner or visitings. I feel so soured. Still, nothing I can do except to distract myself from thinking about it. It worked temporarily but when my mind goes blank, it sinks in again, like a loop.

Had reunion dinner at my bro’s place. I was half thinking if E’s mom would ask me to go over for a later round, granted that she sees me as ‘half’ daughter. After all, Anchorvale and Rivervale is barely 10mins drive away which I can easily do. It didn’t happen though, probably Pisces girl is/has been there and I should not appear. 

The last login for his telegram was last Friday. I’m not sure if it was in the evening when he found out I was at his place. 

My bro is driving a Mazda 3. Monthly rental of $700 at the corporate rate from XX company affiliations. The freedom of traveling with a car is amazing. It’s a pride to be the first in the family to own a car, I’m proud of him. 

Run run run

I’m abstaining from junk and calories-rocketing food. The past weeks it didn’t came with much efforts because I don’t have much appetite. Now appetite is slowing coming back. I sinned - late sushi dinner/supper at 9pm, and other small indulgences like ramen, KFC. I know I couldn’t say no to fried chicken forever. The reunion dinner at my brother’s place is usually one of the best CNY meal I’d have, hence I’m doing a 5km run a day before to cushion the effects.

*

My NU Force BE Sports 3 earphones is down. The right earpiece couldn’t deliver sounds. It was a gift from E, March last year. He chuckled, ‘don’t say I don’t buy you present ah’, after much complaints from me that I had no birthday or valentines presents. I hate to relate that it’s a sign that we are over and I should resign to fate. 

I’m getting a pair of Jaybird Tarah Pro wireless earphones. Prejudice against the brand has faded, I’ll need a trusty companion for my runs.

**
The very last time I saw E, I asked him if we could watch Marvel movies together, like a movie Khaki. There were shows I would have missed if not for him and his recommendations, like Guardian of the Galaxy. He said, depends, if he had watched the show with someone else. Captain Marvel will be screening from 7th Mar. Judging from the looks of it, he’s not going with me. I’d rather watch alone, than with anyone else, because even when he bailed out on me, I’m not going to fill the void with another. Let me go through this alone, and I’ll come out stronger. 

May be my last visit to E’s place

Was at E’s place to collect pineapple tarts from his mum. I thought I’d be collecting from his sis downstairs but his mum said she’s at home and asked me to come up.

Friday evening, I was confident he’d have things with his friends/gf, hence I let my guard down and left my shoes at the bottom of the shoe rack.

Confided to his mum. I started crying before I could finish my second sentence. So was she. I’m so blessed that she dotes on me as much as a daughter, there is always a share for me whatever is there for the sliblings. We had happy occasions, Joelle’s wedding, CNY visitings, amist the not-so-happy ones, the demise of mm. I’ve developed attachment with this family. She said it’s okay, I can still drop by to say hello, never mind about E. I have to regard his feelings, nonetheless the kind offer which may be more of a formality. She told me to either, find my own happiness where another man who deserves me better; or try to message him and see if we can get back together. From the way the relationship ends, he hates me and avoids me like a plague. I told her it’s unlikely we can get back together. He’s happy now and let’s not break the status quo. We ended the conversation saying that she’s like another mother to me, if I am fortunate enough to have her as my godma.

Terence saw me out of her room and asked me if I read their messages. E came back and they were telling me not to come out. Terence said he should know that I was here - my shoes. But Joelle and I thought otherwise, becasue he wouldn’t pay to such details. Until I saw his shoes were parked BEHIND mine, then I realized he might have knew. All the more he’s going to hate me for silly antics behind his back. It just couldn’t get any worse, can it?

I met up with Joelle for a chat and while we’re moving to dinner at the mall, Terence texted to say E went out. Where to, we don’t know. I didn’t track, to save myself another heartache from the million questions I’d have to who he’s seeing and what he’s doing.

好想见，但不能见。
隔着一扇门，
但距离好遥远。