Recounting the happier days

I was tracking back how long before E came into my mind. The happier days I were, without him.

It started when I was planning for my US trip, Nov 2015. It dawn to me randomly, I could try asking people if he/she/they want to come along. I asked E. He turned me down because its really expensive and I asked him just 2-3 months before the trip. I bought some gifts back for him as birthday present since it'll be his birthday 2 months after I returned. The casual chatting went on when I was back. I mailed his present to him and so did he, to return the gesture. We continued chatting on Whatsapp and met up near CNY 2016, for him to pass me the pineapple tarts he got for me from his mom. We talked about the past, reminiscing the good'o days when we were dating in Secondary school, the mistakes he made when we were together in my Poly days. He regretted that he did not try to resolve the problem of communicating with me which led to our separation. And after going through a few relationships, he understands what he wants.

We would meet up once or twice a month to talk. It wasn't made known that he was attached. He is charismatic and I enjoyed talking to him. He'd always know how to make me laugh. I talked about the struggles I had with the relationship with C and he was analyzing with me to stay or move on. It was the same situation where I had to choose between one who can make me laugh or one who can bring me bread and butter. I gave up JJ, the eligible husband-material bf and losing my bestie HJ alongside because I failed to manage the relationship properly.

Moving 3 months on, we were chatting almost on a daily basis and he suggested to bring the platform to Telegram where you can lock the conversations. It was the trip to Australia in Apr 2016, it became obvious to me that I think of him all the time and it was not fair to C. The question I always had in mind was, why wouldn't E reply on Sundays? He said it is a housekeeping day, where he does his chores and unable to reply. It was until I said to give him up because of his inconsistency that he came clean to me that weekends are for his girlfriend and it wasn't convenient for him to reply. I was in absolute shock. I told him the options,
1. we should stop what we are doing and go back to our respective bf/gf, because they did nothing wrong to deserve this.
2. to breakup with our gf/bf and be together officially.
both of us couldn't do either so we dragged things on. Jealousy in a woman can never be under-estimated - I turned green on weekends when he did not reply me. He knew he had to choose one and he broke up with JT sometime in Jul 2016.

E and I went to TW in Sept 2016, our first trip together. We had lots of fights due to our different expectations of a holiday. He wanted more laid-back and enjoyable, while I wanted to see more things to utilize the time whilst abroad.

There were times in between, either one or both of us wanted to give up. We said nasty things, had cold wars. The final straw came Valentine's day 2017, we had a big fight because I could not give him any status. He was upset that he had given me more than 6 months since he broke up with JT yet I'm still with C. I reasoned that I had to be with C during his difficult time of finding a permanent job, and also I don't want to sour the relationship having in mind the Northern Light trip in Mar-Apr 2017. We did not talked to each other from Feb to Apr. I told myself when I go to him, I should be single and committed to him. Hence, once I got back to Sg on 1st Apr, I broke off with C. It was merciless to cut him off, I didn't know how to handle it but all I know was that I couldn't let E wait anymore.

From Apr - Oct 2017, we quarreled frequently, on boundaries with opposite genders, outings with friends, his cigarette counts, our lifestyles differences - eating with mouth open, etc. His bestie El has planned his wedding in US, Dec 2017 and the trip will be 2 weeks long. I made him to choose either him (to go) or me (to stay). He chose El and we broke up in Oct but I still hung around. During his absence, I go to his place to tidy his room, gave Christmas and congratulatory presents to his sister for her engagement. When he came back in Jan 2019, I had the invite from his sis to the wedding and asked him if I should attend (in just a few day's time), he said I can go, if I wished to. I told him about the complications of me meeting his family etc, and he understood it being a bold move to introduce me as his partner. At the wedding dinner, all was nice and well. It appears that I am the first to be brought and introduced to his family and relatives, and they hope to see me at the CNY visiting in a month's time. Came CNY and house visiting was all good. He was looking at HDB and furnishing and I thought we may be moving on to the next phase. His cousins were affirm that I am the one, because he had never brought any girls to meet the relatives.

Jan - Oct 2018. The cycle of quarreling, making-up went on and things escalated as the month moved nearer to his SCSM event, his busiest time of the year. Days he could barely sleep for 2 hours and off he needs to be at the event. When it was over, I saw the photo of his colleague, the texts from his business partners, and I flew in rage. Because I did not get any attention on the days he got busy while he had time for these. E was livid for the intrusion of privacy and things between us tensed up. We started to talk lesser. He continued to meet his friend, A, whom I am not comfortable with, because he would cab down to her workplace, have dinner with her and send her home. More quarrels and eventually at Nicole's bachlorette's party, he broke up with me. 'There is no good time', I only realized that he knew KF at the party, El and the others were trying to put them together. He is firm that this shall be the last time - we will never get back together.

As much as I wanted to lie to myself that we will be together, seeing the messages back and forth between them, I knew for certain that I am out of the game. He loved her the way I wanted so badly. The person he wanted to spend his birthday is not me. This year, the only gift I could give him is his freedom to pursue the one he love. I withdrawn. It pains me so badly, I'm all in tears writing this.

Over the past 3 years, it had been an emotional hell of roller coaster ride. I had my highs and lows and it became overt that I am struggling with the relationship. I know many heaved a sign of relief for me. But I do not feel joy, I feel sad. 10 years down the road I may be thanking myself for forcing myself through this painful path. I will be well, but certainly not now.

To C, I am forever in debt to. To repay him, I only gift I could give him is the same as E - his freedom to pursue his happiness. Let us all end this.