Letting go day 7

 It came to me that I can’t reach him at 7, 8pm. 

Can someone really work through from 6 to 9pm without looking at the phone? 

I doubt.

He will refute everything when I were to ask.

I have scaled down the number of messages with him. Lesser than 10 a day. Putting him in archive helps. 

Please hold up. It will get easier as the days go. 

Letting go day 5

 I broke the no contact when I couldn’t sleep on day 3. Sent long texts. 

He replied the next morning. We went around in circles again. 

I delivered the gymshark package to him and went to Nitori. 

He slept from 8pm to 11am. Woke up inbetween at 11pm and 6am. 

I gave the options of either moving in this weekend (together to celebrate my mum’s birthday) or not moving in (I will prepare myself to leave). 

I guess it says all

No contact day 3

 Day 3

Feels somewhat empty, unsettling having my phone so quiet. It’s something I’d need to get used to, henceforth. 

Plain Vanilla sent a message about OOS on Chocolate cherry cola and offered replacement with Apple Caramel Custard. 

I thought they got the wrong person/order. Then it came to me that it could be A. The order was placed at 10:39am by Alfred Wong. 

In full honesty, I appreciate the reach out. I would be lying if I don’t feel anything about it. I was worried about sending it back to him, this will probably upset him and not showing any goodwill again. But by accepting the cupcakes, it would mean all is good, I’m okay to accept what happened; the lies, him and carmen. Because I falter, I allow, it will continue. 

No. This is not okay. 

Not until he admits his feelings for carmen. And all the things he hid and lied. 

He loved me. It was the past. 

He loves her. The present, and future. 

It was the past that binds us together. There is no love, no trust between us. It feels cold. It still hurts but I have let go. May he be happier with someone who can provide him what he needs now. A non-commitment relationship. 

Everyone has his time and place. My time with him has come to an end. Regardless how much I missed our times, the him, it’s never going to come back again. He’s not going to look at me the same way as how he used to, a goddess.

I will proceed with moving in alone. New home. New beginnings. I guess it will be lonely. 

Acceptance - Grieve - Heal - Move on

No contact day 2

Day 2

Found myself thinking of him more today. If he would message me. If he would see the story I posted on ig that I am letting him go. 

He did not.

Went back to Florence to set up Roborock and Tineco vacuum. Wanted to keep up with the cleanliness after the post reno cleaning. Also to keep myself busy.

Half the time I’m wondering if he would bring C back to Florence. To impress her or have a good time. Undeniably, the trust has entirely shattered. I wanted to change the door passcode but I could not figure out how. Maybe have to call the help desk. 

Concluded day 2 of no contact. Keep going. 

Letting go. No contact day 1

Dishonesty, broken trust, deceiving, hiding, omitting. I’m tired of holding on. 

I’m trying to let go. 

*

No contact day 1

There was a message ‘In office’ at 9am. 

Most of the day went well without thinking about him much. Work kept me busy. Boss passed 2 cases over inbetween patients. 

Went to unit to check on post reno cleaning. 

Posted article on story to ‘let them go. For your peace’

Officially starting day 1 of letting go. 

Please keep up. May I have strength to walk the path.

The breakup

Alfred Wong. You wouldn’t/didn’t even noticed when I’m gone. 

This is so painful. It’s stabbing right to the heart. 

The intense pain all at once. Healing will take some time, I may go sleepless for a period of time, but at least I’m moving forward. 

Hiding, lies, deception. The trauma left me broken. I don’t know how I can trust men ever again. 

wedding or no?

The first weekend since the massive breakdown.

I laid down my T&Cs and he addressed to issues pertaining to smoking, intimacy, friends outings. 

The replies were collected and most of which I agreed to, without feeling to break my back. 

I do see the need to find more friends and recalibrate the boundaries of friends. It came to me that it could be from the impact left by Kang - if I'm too close to guy friends, it will jeopardize the relationship. And likewise for him with female friends. I was fencing too hard on this. 

First step, to go out with his/my group of friends. I don't know how comfortable I will be. 

'TBH I don't think we will break up'

The decision to break up does not fall entirely on him.

He seems to be confident that things would go back to norm as long as I changed my mentality. The onus is on me to change and accept. I am tired from going back-and-forth with the arguments to prove my point so I gave 'okay' to most of what he said. Is this gaslighting? The topic on boundaries with female friends left untouched, which I challenged if this was intentional. 

I am reflecting too, if he is worth the while for me to go through the pain; the occurrence of such episodes. For now, I feel the reluctance to go ahead with the wedding, am prepared to forgo the money. 

A became drunk

Company event A got drunk. He hugged and took photos with C and S. Too close for comfort. 

He was drunk beyond hope. I called SJ to ask him how much A drank and if possible to not let him get drunk because he can’t hold his liquor well. He hugged other girls, that makes me and his mum unhappy. A was furious when he came to realize I made the call and snatched his phone from me, ‘I’ll manage her’

He looked at me in the eye, talked down to me, ‘do you want me to lose my job? This is inappropriate. He is the operational manager and you don’t talk to him or anyone from the plant.’ 

That moment, I knew I lost him. I am second to his work. He does not care about his philandering ways that inflicted so much pain on me but my misdeeds that could potentially cause him his job.

Since when he became so obsessed about holding on to his job? A year or so earlier he was ranting about quitting and finding another job. Why has a promotion bring so much changes in him, the wardrobe altercation, the cologne and nicely set hair. It became so obvious that even his mum could tell the difference, of him dressing up for work. Is it to impress C? He doesn’t want to lose this job because he will not be able to see C anymore? And the unexplained condoms in his work bag.. it is just too unsettling. I’m dumbfounded on so many changes that’s happening and the many unanswered questions. 

I sat at the lift lobby for a good 20mins, stared into blank spaces. Repeatedly asked myself, what has this relationship become? 

He can find a girlfriend or wife as easily, but he can’t lose his job. Is this the kind of man I’d want to live with, for the rest of my life? Taking a humble pie now, is fine. But pardon the misbehaviors and allowing things to manifest to something bigger, is not. 

Yan has warned and we concurred that our hunch was right. He’s out to impress girls. The confidence in physique, the need to go gym to pump his muscles no matter how tired he was, the grooming and upkeeping, frequent trips to the hair salon (that is more than mine).

I have lost both faith and trust in this. I have no strength to continue on. For the many upcoming battles I have to engage in, the anxiety and all is making me delusional. I’m falling into the loop of being a crazy girlfriend. I have stayed steadfast in this relationship and not venturing anywhere near the boundaries with other guys. All I wish is the same respect given back to me. 

I would have returned the Si Dian Jin and Pin Jin to his mum and collected my things if not for the call he made, saying he does not want to break up. It’s better for the both of us to cool our heads, sit down and think what’s the best for our future. Giving up now is painful, but would be more so if we adamantly go ahead with marriage or having a child. I will take my belongings back from his house either tomorrow or Friday evening. Putting a closure might be the best for all of us. Even if it means I have to work my butt off to pay for the housing, I’d do it.