The breakup

Alfred Wong. You wouldn’t/didn’t even noticed when I’m gone. 

This is so painful. It’s stabbing right to the heart. 

The intense pain all at once. Healing will take some time, I may go sleepless for a period of time, but at least I’m moving forward. 

Hiding, lies, deception. The trauma left me broken. I don’t know how I can trust men ever again. 

wedding or no?

The first weekend since the massive breakdown.

I laid down my T&Cs and he addressed to issues pertaining to smoking, intimacy, friends outings. 

The replies were collected and most of which I agreed to, without feeling to break my back. 

I do see the need to find more friends and recalibrate the boundaries of friends. It came to me that it could be from the impact left by Kang - if I'm too close to guy friends, it will jeopardize the relationship. And likewise for him with female friends. I was fencing too hard on this. 

First step, to go out with his/my group of friends. I don't know how comfortable I will be. 

'TBH I don't think we will break up'

The decision to break up does not fall entirely on him.

He seems to be confident that things would go back to norm as long as I changed my mentality. The onus is on me to change and accept. I am tired from going back-and-forth with the arguments to prove my point so I gave 'okay' to most of what he said. Is this gaslighting? The topic on boundaries with female friends left untouched, which I challenged if this was intentional. 

I am reflecting too, if he is worth the while for me to go through the pain; the occurrence of such episodes. For now, I feel the reluctance to go ahead with the wedding, am prepared to forgo the money. 

A became drunk

Company event A got drunk. He hugged and took photos with C and S. Too close for comfort. 

He was drunk beyond hope. I called SJ to ask him how much A drank and if possible to not let him get drunk because he can’t hold his liquor well. He hugged other girls, that makes me and his mum unhappy. A was furious when he came to realize I made the call and snatched his phone from me, ‘I’ll manage her’

He looked at me in the eye, talked down to me, ‘do you want me to lose my job? This is inappropriate. He is the operational manager and you don’t talk to him or anyone from the plant.’ 

That moment, I knew I lost him. I am second to his work. He does not care about his philandering ways that inflicted so much pain on me but my misdeeds that could potentially cause him his job.

Since when he became so obsessed about holding on to his job? A year or so earlier he was ranting about quitting and finding another job. Why has a promotion bring so much changes in him, the wardrobe altercation, the cologne and nicely set hair. It became so obvious that even his mum could tell the difference, of him dressing up for work. Is it to impress C? He doesn’t want to lose this job because he will not be able to see C anymore? And the unexplained condoms in his work bag.. it is just too unsettling. I’m dumbfounded on so many changes that’s happening and the many unanswered questions. 

I sat at the lift lobby for a good 20mins, stared into blank spaces. Repeatedly asked myself, what has this relationship become? 

He can find a girlfriend or wife as easily, but he can’t lose his job. Is this the kind of man I’d want to live with, for the rest of my life? Taking a humble pie now, is fine. But pardon the misbehaviors and allowing things to manifest to something bigger, is not. 

Yan has warned and we concurred that our hunch was right. He’s out to impress girls. The confidence in physique, the need to go gym to pump his muscles no matter how tired he was, the grooming and upkeeping, frequent trips to the hair salon (that is more than mine).

I have lost both faith and trust in this. I have no strength to continue on. For the many upcoming battles I have to engage in, the anxiety and all is making me delusional. I’m falling into the loop of being a crazy girlfriend. I have stayed steadfast in this relationship and not venturing anywhere near the boundaries with other guys. All I wish is the same respect given back to me. 

I would have returned the Si Dian Jin and Pin Jin to his mum and collected my things if not for the call he made, saying he does not want to break up. It’s better for the both of us to cool our heads, sit down and think what’s the best for our future. Giving up now is painful, but would be more so if we adamantly go ahead with marriage or having a child. I will take my belongings back from his house either tomorrow or Friday evening. Putting a closure might be the best for all of us. Even if it means I have to work my butt off to pay for the housing, I’d do it. 

Missing items in FightG -K?

3 weeks ago

Lost caramel apple blender bottle

1 week ago

Shampoo 1/4 becomes 1/2 bottled, and diluted

Unzipped toiletries bag

Lost toiletries bag 

2 days ago

Searched Lost & Found, nil 

Reported lost bag to Darryl

Today

Darryl found in Lost & Found

Speculated a revenge from K. It had to happen when he came back. 

C is married

 C is married. Happy for him. A pang of envious, sadness. ‘It could have been me’. Our paths could have been very different. It made me reflect on myself. I lead him to nowhere. 7 years of wandering. My superfluous lifestyle. The never satiated traveling. I have to admit that R is a better half for him than me. 

HJ is pregnant. Huge congratulations. 

Everyone is moving on to next phase of life. I’m still holding on, hesitant, stagnant. I hate myself. 

Keeping afloat

How do you shake off the feeling of hating yourself? 

Never a crowd pleaser. The more I act for myself, the more distance I am.  How much do you stretch to ‘blend in’? 

Before you could tell your story, others write your story for you. 

I’m so tired. I’m limiting my workout to prevent a burnout. Is it helping, or going for the worst? Am I resting physically and/or mentally? Perhaps mentally I’m not. Time allows overthinking. Am I back to packing my days so I don’t have time to think? Either way it’s in for destruction. 

Second covid

 Day 4 of second Covid.

10/10, Mon, I’m tested positive for Covid, again. The day after IDEM over the weekend. A bad timing, having to reschedule perio treatment patients who are on antibiotics.

A very costly opportunity cost. It feels like you were leading in an F1 race, yet a boo-boo happened during refueling (fault of others) caused a major loss to you. I have tried to avert the situation by having the ART kits and urging to see doctor, it went deaf ears. It almost feel wrong, like I’m abandoning the SO for my own safety; when rationally it ought to be the case. The person should practice social responsibility for others. 

The stark differences in values, between one who is rigid, responsible vs another who is flex and candid; could hardly be contained. I’m stuck as to how to move on, as a team, when the disparity is so huge. Neither one is going to step down nor step up. This shall lead to many arguments. 

The silence between texts, awkwardness, are signs that the passion is attriting and both of us are worn. Should we reeve things up or braking slowly as we approach this turn in our relationship?