My fear. Not knowing can be a blessing.

A few nights ago, I dreamt E died. I woke up in dried tears.

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No more tracking. I’m fearful to know actually, I would rather turn 2 blind eyes to. My heart aches if I were to know he’s spending the night at AMK, St Micheal’s or Nassim Park Residences. My mind will be in a whirl and turmoil. He could be overseas too, Kulai (smoking weeds) or trip with El the boys and Pisces (he mentioned Feb, Mar when I last saw him in Jan).

I know it is almost a tradition that he’d meet up with his Secondary classmates over CNY. The leader of the pack, Jacob, is our common friend. I was with them for dinner last year. This year, I don’t see him in the photos. Was he there, but not in photos, or he came/left before the photos, or skipped the gathering because he’s traveling or not feel like going/having other dates. Whichever it is, I’ll not get to know.

It has been awfully hard to let go. We had been through so much. Things and places which connects us, reminds me of him. I was in tenterhooks when my family and I were at Compass One, Waterway. ‘How should I react when I see him and Pisces or another?’

I was telling myself, I can do this. I’ll show C that I can let E go, the very same way he can let me go, no matter how deep or unwavering our love is to the undeserving one.