31-01-2010` A new journal?

The person who stand with you in times of poverty may not be the fortunate one who witness and share your wealth.

Only in tough times, you will see the one, who will cry and stay together with you; in good times, you could only see another one who will laugh and stay by your side.

Because like the stars, you will see them in the dark sky but you could not see them in the morning, even though they are and had always been there.

How many, can understand the ironic of life?

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Memories with JS & Galvin as sweet, JJ & LW as sour, Fb as bitter.

I had asked myself this question over, if I knew the ending would be like this, would I allow myself to fall? Because its painful, very.

I can't come up with an answer, after 70 days. As much as I try to condition myself I was happy, I can only relate it as bitterness. Regression, I supposed.

I have decided, when I've put all these behind, I will delete this blog which I hold dear for 6 years. I might create another online journal. We shall see.

30-01-2010` Kate Spade Barrow street bon shopper

It was love at first sight.

27-01-2010` I am AB.

Okay, this is the third post within the same day.

I've been feeling down. Emo, so called. Engaging myself into the international news, I'm wondering why people are killing each other and discording harmony, when we are probably all going to die together by 2012 anyway. This gives the Earth another valid reason to call for the elimination of mankind.

I've trying to be accommodating but found myself being taken advantage time to time. People thought of their happiness, what about MINE? In all instances, it boils down to 'What else can I do', to retaliate, get into cat fights or be a pesky exgirlfriend?. I'm really upset with humanity. Seriously, who can you entrust and safely put your hand into?

Despite the priviledge of being blood type AB, I hate myself for having the AB blood running in me. Period.

27-01-2010' driving test in april

My driving test will be in April.

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Am so tired.

My persistent cough from last week developed from a mere dry cough to phelm-y. According to the older folks, the tinge of yellowness means I'm heaty. It causes pain at my abdominal when I sneeze or cough. Has to do something with the breathlessness I experience during jogging. For this matter, I'm keeping my speed slow and limit the laps. So useless.

26-01-2010` Wage

Meet Wage. I carry him wherever I go. Never mind his hand, I made him do this.

26-01-2010` blood type

I've learnt about blood type through TV program and goggled it further. In the TV prgram, they've tested out with kindergarten children (because kids are the purest lot) and find the results consistent, e.g. children of the same type of blood type behaves certain ways compared to another group.

Type A
Sense of justice. Never break his promise. You can safely entrust this person with your secrets because you know it would be safe with them. While outwardly calm, they have such high standards (perfectionists) that they tend to be balls of nerves on the inside. Type A's are the most artistic of the blood groups. They can be shy, are conscientious, trustworthy, and sensitive.

Type B
A tad of slowness, so called 'blur blur'. Don't expect them to hold secrets because they will leak it out straight away. Goal oriented and strong minded, type B's will start a task and continue it until completed, and completed well. Type B's are the individualists of the blood group categories and find their own way in life.

Type AB
Complicated type of people because of the genetic crash from the merge of both type A & B. Both dominant types will effect its characteristics that caused much confusion to his reactions. That explains to the traits of fickled minded and great emotional swings. Type AB's are the split personalities of the blood groups. They can be both outgoing and shy, confident and timid. While responsible, too much responsibility will cause a problem. They are trustworthy and like to help others.

Type O
The universal type who is optimistic by nature. Type O's are outgoing, and very social. They are initiators, although they don't always finish what they start. Creative and popular, they love to be the center of attention and appear very self confident.


Compatability by Blood Groups:
A is most compatible with A and AB

B is most compatible with B and AB

AB is most compatible with AB, B, A and O

O is most compatible with O, and AB

22-01-2010` Trips!

I am looking at Hokkaido trip in April. Australia in Oct or Nov, perhaps? Companion, anyone?

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It feels good to be able to fit in those bottoms again. Though my thunder thighs are reluctant to shed. I am not satisfied with my body image.

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Daunting past. Maybe its unintentional from others' but it still hurts. I don't know how to react, that will deemed appropriate.

Recent events that hooked the memories from within. Hair acadamy, LCD TV from Gain City, upcoming NATAS Fair, driving lessons, Chinatown New Year shopping, all and all. I became curious, if these will ever reminds you of me, even for a moment, like it did for me. I made my heart broken once more.

I need my dental powerpoint presentation slides from my thumbdrive for the kindergarten talk. Now retrieval seems impossible.

I'm on the road to recovery. One day, I will throw away the scrapbook, handcrafted box, and everything along with it into the bin, with a smile. And perhaps the Tiffany heart pendent into the sea. Ridiculous, as it is

I have became stronger. A good friend, he asked me, 'What's holding on?', 'To put it blantly, what else can you do?'. I agree. A good talk by the riverbank. Though he might not even remember this, its significant to me. It pulled me up. Give me time.

20-01-2010` happy birthday PQ!

PQ, Happy birthday!

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The soles of my track shoes spilt, again. GRRR! Mood killer. I can't helped but feel I'm gaining weight, seriously. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Am considering getting another pair of track shoes. Asics is a good brand. Need to do some shopping and accounting. Driving lessons alone for this month already burned $400 from my pocket. :(

18-01-2010' ways to shed that fats

As requested by beng, and for others who are keen to lose weight, here's my experience. I'm not a fat burner guru but these tips are helpful.

These are what you need:

Motivation. You'll need reasons to see you through why you have to push yourself to the limits.

A pair of track shoes. If you can, get a good pair. Mine had soles split like crocodile. Gotta depend on the motivation, now you see why motivation is important.

Watch aye diet! You won't be expecting the balance scale to move an inch if you don't check what you eat. You can still munch on the cheese burger and whatever fanciful for breakfast or lunch. Abstain from heavy dinner unless you want to add another 4 laps to your run! Strictly no food 3 hours prior bed.

MP3 player. My playlist is solely packed with sad love mando songs which describes what I'm going through. Yes, there's instances I cried out loud after the runs on my way back or in my room when the emotions proved too much to withhold. You'll be surprised that even 20 good songs will be sufficient.

Constantly looking into the mirror and see the fruits of your labour. You deserve it. Especially when you can start fitting into the pile of long forsaken clothings which were once gone through a cycle of fitting and not-fitting. That's it, you've done yourself proud.

Its addictive, try it.

Brikenstock

Add a member to my brikenstock family once a year. Help me make a decision.

15-01-2010` history

I am self medicated. One trip to the doctor's office will equal to a driving lesson.

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About myself.

I was born a fat baby, weighing 5kg, in Thomson Medical. I was fatter than my brother! My mum told me its a good hospital, and only in recent years I realised how priviledged for a baby to be born in Thomson Hospital. The birth jab was administered not on my arm, so my left arm only bears the BCG mark from the Secondary school jab.

From young, I was picky on the choice for food. I don't take pork (because of a lie my brother told me so that he can have all my pork), egg york (I onlt take egg white and salted egg. I was obsessed with salted egg porridge my mum cooked that I told her it was the nicest food on earth and I'm willing to have it for the rest of my life. I'm not too sure I can count on that statement anymore), or skin from meat. Hence, imaginable how malnutritioned I was, my weight hovering around the 20kg scale and was catergorised as 'underweight' in my fitness assessment on the last page of my report book through my primary and secondary school life.

As a kid, I don't eat during recess. I would spend my weekly allowances solely on stationary. I would run down the stairs from the classroom and zoom straight to the bookstore. And thats how I fractured my front tooth when I was in Primary 2. I love standing on the wooden crate on the floor and lifted my body with my arms resting on the ledge of the bookstore window. Then proudly parade around with my new stickers, crayons etc.

In primary 3, I went gaga into skipping. I skipped all day and yes, that constitutes to my height of 1.65m. All the way through Primary 6, skipping is the hottest thing and so does the song 'Lemon Tree'!

I used to cry whenever we went visiting and my relatives will mock how skinny I am, e.g. I will be blown away by the wind on coast. I spent a birthday wish, hoping I will not be thin and now I have to use 5 birthday wishes to undo the first wish. DUMB.

I fainted 3 times in Primary school. 2 times during the afternoon assembly, when we were singing national anthem. I remembered of one incidence, my friend Zizie, helped to stablised me with her right arm. Then my teacher scurried me to the sick bay. The other time was during the evening assembly. I fainted infront of the school because I was carrying out my prefect duty by guarding the entrance. My Primary 6 form teacher carried me to the sick bay. I was carried by a man for the first time! *chuckled

I began to gain weight, into 'satisfactory' range, when I was in Secondary 2, on my vacation job at kFC. I had 2 piece chicken everyday. I worked for a whole month for $108 in my bank! :(

Now I am 23, my life has been fulfilling.

14-01-2010` The bag of potato chips.

If you're reading this, make some noise! Its so deserted. With the upspringing of blog shutdowns, I am playing with that thought too.

The bag of LAYS classic potato chips has been sitting at a corner of my room for days. Hell no I'd tempt myself in this way, its the show of affections from my folks. I will eat you someday.

13-01-2010` Gastric?

If the day were to come, the emulation of mankind, do you wish to live? Because life will have no purpose; you will live in reminisce on memories of the dead.

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The lingering crunching pain at my stomach has been there for the past 4 days. I felt nauseated too. Own diagnosis: Stomach ulcer, gastric issues. I have to admit to abusing my body, pushing my limits, occasional starving myself at night, plus the excessive alcohol and acidic regurgitation on my birth-night. I have to see a doctor on friday. If I'm admitted to hospital, please visit me. :(

Still, I'm going to my run later. Aim for 50kg, 26".

12-01-2010` fever

Fever at 38 degrees. Muscles are aching badly especially my right arm. I can't seem to recollect any straneous events that caused the aches.

I haven't been starting on my runs since a day before my birthday. Getting out of shape. Speedy recovery!

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Creatures of infidelity. tsk tsk tsk.

Birthday celebration with Tan, Pq. Jing, Miao, Ying, Tuckwei, Joe, Shixing, Maoyun, Eugene(Joe's secondary school friend) & gf.

Refer to FB for pictures.

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I dreamt of the opposite the last night. I don't know what perception I should take. I think its the denial state I'm in. Yup, stick to the reality.

Breathe.

08-01-2010` I remembered..

I remembered,

A chalet with friends, bottle of Martel, Corden Blu, catering with leftovers, chewy juniors, the red bra I tried on, the black overall gifts, laughters.

A dinner with parents, a call from Ethan that brought much awkwardness, cake cutting when the clock striked 12am on 9th Jan, picture taking, birthday song. Rose petals, handmade lightsticks, drinks at late night, the walk to Novotel.

All is left is faded memories and a broken heart.

Happy Birthday to me.

08-01-2010` braces

Had my braces adjustment 2 days ago. Luckily I asked for clear rubber this time round, because the doctor put the upper chain again. I like his clear rubber.

He explained to me the midline shift will not be corrected, reason being my lower jaw is deviated to the right. If he were to push the upper midline to the right, my facial asymmetry will be obvious and to him, 'not nice at all!'. He was tempted to extract my #15 initially, to adjust the midline but was glad that he didn't. I wasn't aware how difficult it was to him to make the judgement call, as all clinicians will face.

Final adjustments to straighten the lower anterior and fine tuning the upper. I should be able to be off braces and get on with clear retainers after a few more months.

Yay!

06-01-2010` 3 days to 9th Jan 2010

Despite the achievements I garnered, the happiness is transitional because the flaw in my personal life is stinging. Deep down, I am still the little girl who will tear for him; who yearn for his concern like reading through my blog or an sms to wish me happy birthday.

Nonetheless,

I am in debt to the kind clients who wrote in compliments. They lifted me up greatly through this small gesture.

I am thankful to my friends who secretly planted surprises for my birthday. Really, they made me felt alive for a person who deem herself dead.

Thank you.

Thank you, for walking through this darkest period of my life with me

04-01-2010` run, run, run.

I've burst my budget for December. And I was told that the payroll will be late. I need my 13th month bonus! :(

Suspected to have obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't feel right if I don't jog at night- I'll lose whatever I've achieved this far, overnight. Even if I got home at 9.30pm, I forced myself to go for the run. I fear.. I'll lose everything, including myself.

03-01-2010` 宅女

宅女!

I've been staying home, for christmas, new year, weekends. Had dinner early, went for jog in the evening. Sounds healthy.

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留下的人的痛.

02-01-2010` New guy

I've met 'my type' in clinic today. My heart was thumping hard, face flushed. The frontdesk said he's probably single as he indicated the next of kin contact as his brother. Of course, I can have his contacts through the illegitable way but, haha!

Born in 1984. Working as executive. He'll be coming back in Feb for treatment. I'll be on for that day. :)

YEAR 2010

Embrace 2010.

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Nostalgic. 9th Jan, on this day, this same place, a year ago and present. I had a dream. In my dream, I was happy.

The nightmares I had been having have turned into reality. Please, stop. I don't wish to witness the vanish of the earth.