The much needed sunshine

The revelation failed to elicit any response from you, well except: 

1. You think I’m trying to shame you. 

2. ‘What do you want me to say? We tried. It didn’t work out. Different perspectives and characters’

Perhaps I was trying to prove that you still loved me, but I had a slap in my face instead. 

...

For months I had been staying in for Sundays because you said going out incurs spending. Your ideal weekend is to stay at home to spend all your time on games, if you had your way. I caved in and over time, this grew and the idea of just happy to spend time with you and being accommodating made me a boring person because you said I no longer interest you. I had to wait or find for an opening in between your games, just to go home.

Calls to reach you, turns out to be a wait for an hour, since you started on a game. To the wait for another hour, and the never ending hours after hours because you started on another round and the next. You said you wouldn’t stop until you’re tired and go to bed. This is how you’d like to spend your weekends. 

You liked girls who can hold up intellectual conversations with you. Smart girls to validate you but not overly-smart to bruise your ego. Chatting with other people has always been important to you, because you enjoyed interactions. I started to seek answers what are the boundaries of texts which are considered as a normal exchange between friends or acquittance. Platonic friends don’t go asking, ‘Why are you ignoring me’ and having replies as ‘Silly girl, it’s not happening’. Question is, why would she feel ignored or emotional attached to you, if she were to know that you are seeing someone else. And you said you’ll message her minimally on a weekly basis. The insecurity only grew more with your denial of anything insidious or malicious. The problem is, you don’t see it as a problem when clearly I’m not comfortable with these close interactions. I have to deal with the insecurity myself which I have absolutely no idea how. It eats into me.

It has been ever so hard to ask anything of you, or from you. You amplified the contributions you did, reiterated but mute or slighted the changes I had done for you. You said ‘you’re not all that mighty and I’m not changing for you or because of you’. There are things that are considered off-limits and I know I wouldn’t budge. I only ask for respect and will compromise for the rest. 

You said I shouldn’t have taken your words seriously. I would say, I wished that I hadn’t care so much. You would end the call saying, ‘I’ll call you back in a bit’, or, ‘I’ll call you in 5 minutes’. And I trusted you to return call, like a fool would. When the truth is, it wouldn’t come until I were to call back after an hour of wait. All I hope for is for you to be a man of your words.

I was made to believe that you are worth all the while for me to go through all these, for you to try as hard as I do. I took the moral allegations of how wrong I am to leave Cal and try to irregard of how others looked at me. You’d argue that you did the same. I am trying, down to the very last minute, while you had given it all up. 

It was the faith that I held on, until the constant degradation eroded me and I start to delusion on my self-worth, my inadequacy in so many ways that I am never good enough for you. When things go wrong, I was questioned and all the blame landed on my shoulders. I had never cried so much on an overseas holiday - not even the most distraught trip when I misbooked 2 flights and a night stay at Finland’s igloo hotel which cost me an arrm, or missing a connecting flight and left stranded in Munich. 

You are important to me, and I prioritize you over many others, I will give up things and time for you. Not only it was not reciprocal, it propelled you to crave for more freedom. I know it had never been the games that were in the way, it was about prioritizing. 

You will not text, you are leaving me to my own demise. I don’t understand how you can retract yourself so beautifully, if you had given it all or as though it never happened nor it matters to you. After one big round, all I have left is myself to pick my shattered pieces together. I don’t know if I were ever regain myself again, but I have to say, this has been the worst of my life. For someone who loves sleep and naps, insomnia is terrible. From never in my life had I go laying on the bed from evening to the next morning, being awake; this now becomes a fanfare. If it wasn’t damaging enough, it can happen on the days I have to go to for my 12 hours work when I’m up. Either that or it can be waking up in the middle of the night and unable return to sleep. It certainly hits me harder than it does to you.

I have people coming to me, saying I looked sad. Sometimes I would tear. It has been hard to tell people, in fact it hurts more to say I’m okay when I’m truly not. Please, if you were to see me sulking, do not ask why, just offer me a chocolate.