28th Dec

The time has come.

To stay or to leave, it all depends on you.

Spring cleaning

There were things I wanted to discard but can't bring myself to.

With Cal moving out next year, I'd have more space. I wish for myself to be firm, I know I might relent to his pleas. This is to our betterment. Wish he was there to see me through. To walk me through like he did for the past breakup.

First Love

JS follows me on Instagram :O

My first love, Utada Hikaru

'You will always be the one I love'

I remembered gasping for breath when I saw or walked past him on the way to school. Even when I was jogging in the park a few years back and saw him and his gf (on 2 occasions), my heart was racing with excitement.

'ITS JACKSON, it's Jackson!', I'd say.

I used to proclaim that he's the most handsome guy alive, and I still pretty much hold this statement true.

There can only be one first love in our lifetime, I am grateful that it was him. It was untainted, sweet, like it it should be for a 14 year old then.

Thanks for the fond memories.

:)

Christmas eve

Christmas eve.

I was looking forward to Christmas. Attracted to the happy vibes.

I thought I would do something meaningful this Christmas holiday, making it memorable. But I did something I could have done any other day and I gave up the gathering with Cal and friends.

I was worming at home to complete the itinerary for Japan. Nearly went without food if he hadn't ordered Food Panda.

He said I worked like a maniac. I know this distraction works.

"I wouldn't want to kick my ass again for being stranded without buses back like we did in Edo Town. We walked 90 minutes to the train station", I told him. And the menses cramps became a good excuse to escape gathering. I honestly don't know how to pull it off if it was delayed.

Cal is smart; he doesn't put the ring inside the Love & co pouch anymore. Now I just need to ensure he doesn't bring it to Japan, certainly not to use it on my birthday, not in Disneysea. He read one of my post about marrying myself away before 30.

Sigh.

recognising toxic behaviours

2. Dropping “hints” and other passive-aggression

What it is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.

Why it’s toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.

What you should do instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it.

3. Holding the relationship hostage

What it is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”

Why it’s toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

What you should do instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.

4. Blaming your partner for your own emotions

What it is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.
So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.

Why it’s toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home—even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV—must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.

What you should do instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.

A&E

I was closed to spending my Christmas in hospital. I threw up so badly that I was on the verge of asking Cal to send me to A&E.

From 1-5am, the episodes came on intermittently. I gave in at 4.30am by sending my boss a text to request to go in at the later part of the morning. Thankfully, the morning session wasn't full of patients and I was told to come in the afternoon. I only slept lightly near 6am.

God, please end this day soon.

Paradox

You'd always had that faith in someone who was so dear to you that he wouldn't go missing on you. Yet it happened again, again, again.

What happened 9 years ago, resurfaced.

I was reassured that it wouldn't, that things have changed, that you have changed for the better.

Can I go home please?

On my way to work, I had an urge to skip work and go back home, hide under my sheets and cry. I'm not prepared to forced myself to see patients, rather, to put up a strong front and cheery like I always do.

While life may appears with choices, in real terms, you don't. I don't get to choose. Because who stays or withdrawn is out of my range.

Tears were welling up my eyes while I was waiting for my boss to handover her patient. A demanding lady who never fails to stress me up the day before when I know she was coming. I had her in my nightmare once before and I woke up in a sweat.

Because I am in this industry, I have to ensure my family dental needs are fulfilled. I got spam calls from my mum saying that my dad is having toothache and needs an extraction. Honestly, in my head it kept circling, 'You could have sent me to dental school in Australia and I wouldn't have to rely on someone else to attend to you'. I hope they would appreciate the trouble I went through to find one who can see him by his schedule and asking favours around. Not to mention that I have to foot the bill of their dental treatments which came smack right in my face. My parents seem to take things for granted that I can miraculously conjure something, and things would fall in place nicely, all in the name of filial piety.

I didn't get my support for the course I chose. My mum thinks this is a 'dirty' job, seeing mouths on day to day. I pulled through poly by myself, not getting allowances since my sponsorship in year 2. The school fees were paid through mum's cpf which I repaid in full, hardcash monthly after graduation while serving my bond. Nor the support came when I enrolled into my Business degree. I paid everything for myself, from the tuition fees, exam fees.

I wanted to escape my life so badly.

1122nd post

Happy Birthday to a!

*
Shall go around to shop for a log cake for MTA. Chateraise, maybe.

Little things in life reminds me of you, ChirChir (oh my yummy fried chicken!), Marutama, Clark Quay, SCMS, all I find myself scurried to avoid now.

I wish I could delete Telegram, if not for my clinic group chat. I could only delete your contact, so it doesn't show up when you were last seen.
 
I was looking at the traffic to this page and realized there has always been this one view. I am not hopeful that I am getting the right person to read, it could be a computer generated view as the post goes public, or Cal who managed to sign nto my blogger/hotmail account. I only hope to retain some space for myself, without hurting Cal. I had hurt him enough when I blubbered through my drunkard state.

Year end, new start.

Stay strong. 

I have done what I could have. I have to remind myself not to do any more things for you. Because it will never be reciprocated. It was like the last time I was accused of losing your DVD and had it shipped over to you. No thank you, no apology, no words, except for 'I don't know how to communicate with you anymore'. History repeats itself, yes, and I'm getting myself hurt all over again. 

I will move on, the way you did and walked out of my life. 

For Cal, it was guilt and remorse. Timeline is set. We will be independent as individuals. 

Christmas presents

And it's a wrap for present wrapping. Well, for now. I'd do the bows and ribbons another night.

Good night.

Dazzling

Trying to bring out positivity in each day.

The honey toast in Dazzling with bff, the girls' talk. Aww, we should do again soon.

Cheers :)

No more glass igloo for Feb?!

On the way to my company dinner for a's birthday celebration, my lady boss causally asked about my preparation for my Europe trip, since a is going to Finland this Christmas (coincidentally, which makes him the third group of people I knew were going for the Northern lights in Finland and/or Iceland). I threw her off the wall when I told her I've yet to book the inter-countries flights, which usually others would have booked more than 3 months in advanced. I'm counting down to lesser than 3 months. The rates had indeed raised by about 10%, be it the flights or accommodations.

The past few weeks I had been preoccupied emotionally and the physical strain by extra workload that I was too exhausted to do nuts about it. At least I've gotten the main of Japan itinerary out of the way, I can focus on this now.

I freaked out when I see the glass igloo sold out in February. The flights from Helsinki, Finland to Reyjavik, Iceland with less than 3 seats. I had a nightmare that very night that we couldn't catch the Northern Lights during the trip and it was so disappointing. It woke me up at 5am and I couldn't go back to sleep thereafter, even with the effect of drowsy meds before bedtime. Managed to rushed through with the bookings with minor hiccups before J's surprise for Cal.

Having less than 5 hours of decent sleep is wearing my body resistance down and I can feel a fever and sore throat coming my way. Though catching a quick nap now will ruin my body clock for later, I'm really tired to say no to reat. Crossing my fingers and pray for the best, for the busiest time of dec has yet to come. If the giant hasn't fallen, that is.

Travel plans

I'm looking forward for Japan in Jan! Not to my birthday though. 

I have to book the inter-countries flights for Finland-Iceland-Switzerland asap. I have to either settle for 7 hours flight to stopover at Tromso, Norway, or 3 hours direct flight from Iceland to Switzerland.  I'm so worried I'll miss the Northern Lights by skipping Tromso, which is better positioned in the attic circle and high chances of having the Lights. 

Tough choices.

I foresee more travels in 2017. As a free spirit. Possibly a short trip in Jul and a longer one in Oct. I'm itching for a US trip but I don't have the balls to do another solo trip to US for now. Not unless there is an absolute reason, like a really good dental conference, hmm.. 

Stay happy

The power of will. When you're set to think positive, it'll influence your day. My day started not -so-good, but it got better by the afternoon. 

It is such a wonderful feeling to take an afternoon nap at 4pm on a weekday. I truly miss this! 

The other side

:)

There are more things to be grateful for.

Not disclosing, does it attribute to dishonesty?

Intentionally withholding what should have been told.

I was reminded of how hurtful is. Yet I'm inflicting the same pain and wound on another. Unintentional but the damage is as impactful.