05-08-09` Crying baby

I'm being such a baby. A part of me don't want to grow up, facing the brutal of life- aging, cycle of life. It is too much for me to bear; suffocating.

I don't want to be 23, I don't want to face the fact I have to work for the rest of my life for a living. Despite my strong belief in earning your own penny, its the dreadful thought that the old good school days are long gone. Fab made me realised that I cannot go back to school no matter how much I wanted to. Life sail through ike Secondary school. Even if I take the same path, wear the same uniform but it'd not go back the same way and it'd never be. Its gone, far gone.

After the whole weeping and conselling session, the last thing I wanted to do is to waste his sleeping time (to less than 6 hours) and this doesn't make me feel any better.

I hate myself for being such a weakling. I hate my brave front. I hate myself for having suicidal thoughts. I hate the me I am.

My biological clock has gone haywired. I woke up before daybreak and have to consiously sleep through, mostly deceiving myself that I am sleeping but for the fact that I'm merely lying on the bed wasting my time off.

I am living in the world of sleeping-eating-working cycle. Whats life more than that? I don't know, seriously. Yes, finding a hobby or a passion. How many people in a million can find their calling? Or are they, like me, losing their purpose in life; hauled into the exact cycle?

I am sorry for being a pessimist. I looked up at the grey sky, it seems to mutter montonously 'Hello, you've made it through another day'.