06-05-08` new environment. will it be the same?

it had been a hard time convincing you. i don't know how i managed to convince myself to be able to smile the way through despite the fact i know that decision may, in future, potentially damaging to our relationship.

'its for your own good' and 'lets not be your burden'. ya, i can only rely on these 2 phrases to keep my lies going.

most of the time i went blank. daze. not totally switched off. like in standby mode, running the computer on but monitor off. the mind is working while i do not know what exactly i am thinking. occasionally when nature is good to me, it will prompt me this, 'are things going to be the same?'. i know straight away it is that which is bothering me.

you have sensed my distress but i brushed it off with a change in attitude.

life is a circle. it goes all down to making the choice again - love or career.

i have the phobia, that the circle will repeat itself.

'don't force me to say, you know the answer.'


its not that i don't trust you, its that i don't trust the game of life i am playing. for once i know i cannot afford to lose the stakes.

"are things going to be the same again?"

behind closed doors, i let the tears roam.