Mirroring

 It had been a year since I last posted. 

And I’m ashamed that nothing changes. I am still the same coward, to stay in the status quo.

The incident of Coldplay leak on Andy Byron’s affairs and the criminal charges against my aesthetic doctor, Dr Chua Cheng Yu, had given a strong knock that this isn’t working out. 

Andy Byron blamed and sued Coldplay for putting his extra-marital affairs to public. I relate it to the criminal who cried foul when getting caught with the police. ‘Why are you exposing me’. The question ought to be, ‘Why are you hiding’.  

I feel sorry for Dr Chua. I see myself in him. I would have spiraled that way too, with A. I held the last rein in me with E. It almost went there. What people did not realized was what pushed the person to such desperation. A cause-and-effect, as it takes two to tango. And it had been utterly unfair to expose and report from one side of the story. It pulled a brake in me to ask myself, is this who I am becoming? As this relationship continues, will I be driven to the edge, as he did? I am truly scared of who I were to become, because I can sense it coming. Is ending this the only solution in order for me to keep my sanity? 

Letting go day 7

 It came to me that I can’t reach him at 7, 8pm. 

Can someone really work through from 6 to 9pm without looking at the phone? 

I doubt.

He will refute everything when I were to ask.

I have scaled down the number of messages with him. Lesser than 10 a day. Putting him in archive helps. 

Please hold up. It will get easier as the days go. 

Letting go day 5

 I broke the no contact when I couldn’t sleep on day 3. Sent long texts. 

He replied the next morning. We went around in circles again. 

I delivered the gymshark package to him and went to Nitori. 

He slept from 8pm to 11am. Woke up inbetween at 11pm and 6am. 

I gave the options of either moving in this weekend (together to celebrate my mum’s birthday) or not moving in (I will prepare myself to leave). 

I guess it says all

No contact day 3

 Day 3

Feels somewhat empty, unsettling having my phone so quiet. It’s something I’d need to get used to, henceforth. 

Plain Vanilla sent a message about OOS on Chocolate cherry cola and offered replacement with Apple Caramel Custard. 

I thought they got the wrong person/order. Then it came to me that it could be A. The order was placed at 10:39am by Alfred Wong. 

In full honesty, I appreciate the reach out. I would be lying if I don’t feel anything about it. I was worried about sending it back to him, this will probably upset him and not showing any goodwill again. But by accepting the cupcakes, it would mean all is good, I’m okay to accept what happened; the lies, him and carmen. Because I falter, I allow, it will continue. 

No. This is not okay. 

Not until he admits his feelings for carmen. And all the things he hid and lied. 

He loved me. It was the past. 

He loves her. The present, and future. 

It was the past that binds us together. There is no love, no trust between us. It feels cold. It still hurts but I have let go. May he be happier with someone who can provide him what he needs now. A non-commitment relationship. 

Everyone has his time and place. My time with him has come to an end. Regardless how much I missed our times, the him, it’s never going to come back again. He’s not going to look at me the same way as how he used to, a goddess.

I will proceed with moving in alone. New home. New beginnings. I guess it will be lonely. 

Acceptance - Grieve - Heal - Move on

No contact day 2

Day 2

Found myself thinking of him more today. If he would message me. If he would see the story I posted on ig that I am letting him go. 

He did not.

Went back to Florence to set up Roborock and Tineco vacuum. Wanted to keep up with the cleanliness after the post reno cleaning. Also to keep myself busy.

Half the time I’m wondering if he would bring C back to Florence. To impress her or have a good time. Undeniably, the trust has entirely shattered. I wanted to change the door passcode but I could not figure out how. Maybe have to call the help desk. 

Concluded day 2 of no contact. Keep going. 

Letting go. No contact day 1

Dishonesty, broken trust, deceiving, hiding, omitting. I’m tired of holding on. 

I’m trying to let go. 

*

No contact day 1

There was a message ‘In office’ at 9am. 

Most of the day went well without thinking about him much. Work kept me busy. Boss passed 2 cases over inbetween patients. 

Went to unit to check on post reno cleaning. 

Posted article on story to ‘let them go. For your peace’

Officially starting day 1 of letting go. 

Please keep up. May I have strength to walk the path.

The breakup

Alfred Wong. You wouldn’t/didn’t even noticed when I’m gone. 

This is so painful. It’s stabbing right to the heart. 

The intense pain all at once. Healing will take some time, I may go sleepless for a period of time, but at least I’m moving forward. 

Hiding, lies, deception. The trauma left me broken. I don’t know how I can trust men ever again. 

wedding or no?

The first weekend since the massive breakdown.

I laid down my T&Cs and he addressed to issues pertaining to smoking, intimacy, friends outings. 

The replies were collected and most of which I agreed to, without feeling to break my back. 

I do see the need to find more friends and recalibrate the boundaries of friends. It came to me that it could be from the impact left by Kang - if I'm too close to guy friends, it will jeopardize the relationship. And likewise for him with female friends. I was fencing too hard on this. 

First step, to go out with his/my group of friends. I don't know how comfortable I will be. 

'TBH I don't think we will break up'

The decision to break up does not fall entirely on him.

He seems to be confident that things would go back to norm as long as I changed my mentality. The onus is on me to change and accept. I am tired from going back-and-forth with the arguments to prove my point so I gave 'okay' to most of what he said. Is this gaslighting? The topic on boundaries with female friends left untouched, which I challenged if this was intentional. 

I am reflecting too, if he is worth the while for me to go through the pain; the occurrence of such episodes. For now, I feel the reluctance to go ahead with the wedding, am prepared to forgo the money.