Fool

Imbalance.

I feel like a fool. Twirled and tossed by a twist of your fingers. Today you put me high on the pedestal I'm all smiles and glow, tomorrow you banished me to the voids where I can see no light. 

How long more can I hold? I don't know. I might have to let it go. To let you go. 

10 years

10 years ago, I chose emotions over pragmatism. I wouldn't say it was regretful, but a painful learning and growing process. 

I became the greatest villain by hurting an innocent but it ended with me in pain when relationship folded. Karma sure has its way, like a curse on you. 

Alcohol

It had been some time since I drank so much- Jing's bachlorette's party. 5 girls and 2 bottles of hard liquor. 

Last night, the boys and us had Nikka Whiskey, Johnny Walker and some Chivas. We met potential Wolfpack candidates Serene, Wei Jie and Marcus. I'm glad the boys made the call to keep the Chivas because clearly we can't keep up with the liquor. It was a happy time and we saw the different side of Mao. To bring the guy who can hold his liquor the best in the group means we were really messed up. 

Thanks to Calvin for taking care of me. I've a feeling that the full blown effect of being drunk hit me when I got home. I didn't regurgitate which is good though harder for my body to cope. I was blabbering and crying at the same time, linking up terms and things in the universe totally unrelated. My remaining conscientious restricted some words hinged onto my lips to be mute or swallowed at the last moments. I could remember fragments of it. I vented my frustrations, bitterness all at one go.

I slept for 2 hours, only to wake up reeked of alcohol in my mouth. I could only went back to sleep after clearing some issues in my head. 

I slept for another 4 hours, my body clock caved in and allowed an hour extension. I woke up with my body reminding me the 'ordeal' last night with swollen eyes as good as a goldfish. My double eyelids popped up so full like I had some fillers on them. 

I'll need more rest today and I wish tmr is a non-working day. 

Letting go

Thanks for putting a closure. We are able to move on. 

Heartbroken for the third time. 

I'm pushing myself for an early night with melatonin. Good night world 

Happiness x Struggles

Because happiness requires struggle.

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then what you want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image, a false promise. Maybe what you want isn't what you want, but you just enjoy wanting it. Maybe you don't actually want it at all.

Because you have to choose something. You can't have a pain-free life. It can't be all roses and unicorns. Pleasure is an easy question and pretty much all of us will have similar answers. The interesting question is the pain. What is the pain you are willing to suffer? 

You want the reward but not the struggle. You want the result but not the process. You were in love not with the fight but the victory. Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. It is not a call for will power or grit, not another admonishment of 'no pain, no gain' but our struggles determine our success. Choose your struggles wisely. 

-Extracts from Mark Manson 

迷

得不到，越想要。

Aging

I'm tired by 9pm, and I need to sleep before 11pm. Gosh, and this has been the case for the past one week. I think my body is preparing for hibernation. Hilarious. 

Melbourne, revisited after 8 years

Melbourne, we meet once again. 

Feeding on my memories some 8 years ago. I was being led to explore this lovely city, now I'm leading to pick up where I was left. I had no idea where I was heading then, except that I'm going Melbourne. I don't need to know or to plan, it was simple, carefree and happy. 

Today I studied maps, attractions and construct the itinerary. Passing it forward, maybe? 

The incomplete Great Ocean Road stopped somewhere past Lorne, Apollo Bay and lastly at Otway Fly Tree Top. I remembered climbing the steps up the rain forests (which I had absolutely no problems at all back then) and my memory stopped short there. At the back of my head, the lead said we had not enough time to continue to the Twelve Apostles. There were no disappointment because there were no expectations. 

Today, I unlocked and completed where I left. It held deep significance.